Jean Eng Blog

I’ve met a few people recently that’s refueled my interest and passion for music again and it’s been a very surreal time for me. I had forgotten how much I LOVE music and this inner need to express my emotions through song, through singing.

I haven’t been able to sleep much these days but I am not tired either. Just about 5 hours a night and I’ve stayed up for 30+ hrs straight too. Something is just happening with me inside that is awakening… When I am awake, I find songs running through my head as if they have some message for me. When I listen to them and read the lyrics, it is very poignant to the place I am currently and the thoughts and emotions I am feeling.

Today I woke up to Alter Bridge’s Broken Wings. I love the guitar in that song, sometimes I think about learning how to play. I have this guitar I bought years ago that just sits in the case, I take it out once in awhile and just strum it a bit and it sounds so sweet, it makes me kind of giddy. I just love the beautiful sounds a guitar makes, I’d be content to sit and listen to someone play acoustic for me.

And singing, I really love to sing but I am shy to sing in front of others. Get nervous and I’ve been told that nervousness and singing don’t mix. Lately I’ve been a bit more brave and I like my voice…sort of getting into that “i don’t care if people hear me” phase. ….more brave I guess, trying to let go of my inhibitions. It’s just another way to express myself and I am all about self expression. I am a sucker for good vocals. This guy I am dating has the most incredible speaking voice and he is a singer too. I haven’t heard much of his singing as it is still a new relationship but I am totally drooling over his voice. I think if it gets to the point where he is just singing for me, I would probably be so moved that I’d cry.

I seem to have a lot of emotions just bubbling under the surface these days, I think that’s why all these songs are coming through… just like Alter Bridge’s Broken Wings… this is how I am feeling today, maybe I feel this way a lot…look at the chorus for the song..

On broken wings I’m falling
And it won’t be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I’m bleeding
And it won’t be long
I’ve got to find that meaning
I’ll search for so long

I am going to go for a bike ride… maybe try to clear my head a bit more. My niece is here this week for a few days….she is 8yrs and she has a way of showing up whenever I need some love. She is so special to me, I think out of everyone I know in this world, I love her the most

Lately, I’ve been doing some soul searching…self evaluation of who I am and what I like and dislike.

I’ve realized through the interactions with people and solitary contemplation that I really have strong views on the way things ought to be in my life and the kinds of exchanges I enjoy having around me.

There is much to be said for having life experience, especially in dealing with romantic relationships. I’ve lived long enough and have gone through good and bad things that has given me perspective which sets my wants, needs, and likes into a firm stance…basically an ideal for ME.

Not my job to judge someone else or even suggest how they should be or live their lives. It’s never my intention to force my opinions onto someone else to take on and play out but I do like to give advice. I always tell my younger brother how if he actually listen to some of the things I spew out of my mouth, in time he’ll realize some of the wisdom in my words. ….but the truth will become apparent after he has gone through many more life experiences of his own.

My mind tends to wander while I’m cruising the streets, better to contemplate life than to be pissed off at the aggressive assholes trying to get one car ahead in rush hour traffic in front of me. What’s up with that? Are you really that much closer to your destination than I am? What’s your hurry anyway?

I’ve noticed that when I drive, I tend to be away from other cars. I don’t like to follow others and I can care less if people are trailing behind me. If anything, I’d like to move away from other vehicles for my own peaceful state of mind.

I’ve realized that I am not a crowd follower and never have been really. I tend to be the decision maker in groups and am the first one to lead the way. ….but I don’t have to be and often enjoy the ride. Although I am quick to NOT go along if I find the ride distasteful to my liking.

Straight and narrow roads are boring to me. I LOVE driving around curves and wide open turns. I LOVE taking the scenic route and take my good ol’ time doing so. I LOVE interesting sensory stimulations around me. I LOVE seeing the beauty in most everything I encounter. What little joy I do get in driving itself is the anticipation of a familiar windy road where I can go a bit fast when no one is around. Never wanting to endanger someone else, I just find it thrilling to be on the edge, at least for a little while. Quite often though, my bliss is spoiled by some slow poke being overly cautious weaving around the bend in front of me. It makes me think about how reflective this driving behavior is enacted in other areas of their life. …And how many others I have allowed to step into my life just to delay what I genuinely find pleasurable. I’ve realized that I don’t want to deny myself any longer of my bliss in life.

No I don’t drive like I own the road, I drive as if I’m totally in sync with it and can anticipate the actions of other drivers around me. I am ONE with my vehicle and the paths I choose…thank god for GPS though! Used to get lost a lot but now, I can always find my way home…

“Finding my way home”….great metaphor for our state of being, our natural tendencies, unclouded by judgments of the world, society..or swayed by the masses. Who are “they” really to tell me who I am or what I should be?

“Home” to me is synonymous with inner peace And no matter where the path leads me in life, no matter what good or bad things happen along the way, I am certain that I will always find my way “home”…I’ve seen ample proof of that!

I am a super driver….but am soooo ready for a chaffeur who can drive me around the way I desire and allow me to just enjoy the ride….

Things are strange these days, very surreal. I feel like I’m drifting, floating in a deep haze. Objects that come within my line of vision is somehow unrecognizable for what they once resemble.

I don’t know if anyone knows or can enlighten me on the relevance of “10,000″ days but I am seeing it EVERYWHERE.

Be forewarned, this post will most likely be extremely lengthy and personal. I doubt anyone will really read it since my blog’s not exactly top 10 popular but I write more of a need to express myself and release what is inside of me in a written, somewhat coherent fashion. Plus it helps me get clear on a few things that running around in my head….at the end of the day, the only person I have and trust explicitly is myself. And even then, some of the choices I make in life has me baffled to the level of knowingness I really have.

To shed some light into the background of my current state of being, I’ll briefly (let’s hope) summarize the events of my life that’s taken place in the last couple of months. As usually, I’ll just write what comes to mind uncensored.

I realized today that the 10,000 days reference is in play once again in the numerology of things in my life. I was thinking of my youngest niece who I absolutely adore and has brought me so much love and joy into my life. She called me yesterday to tell me that she got her ears pierced and is very happy with her pink flower earrings she has to wear while her earring holes heal. Just last weekend, she was here and under my supervision, her new found no training wheels bike riding skills blossomed before our eyes. At such a young age, she is experiencing new positive things in life that will have a profound impact on the rest of her life. I remember learning to ride a bike on my own, never used training wheels at all and crashed a bunch of times but in a couple of days, I tasted that first sense of freedom.

She is eight and a half years old now and it has been a very strange time for me to look at her in her innocent, childlike, carefree manner and not feel a twinge of heartache at what I had to endure at approximately the same age she is today. Ever since her impending 8th birthday, I knew that this year was going to be a major shift for me in the many ways I see myself and my life.

I don’t talk much or in depth about that time in my life as it is something that still to this day haunt me and probably overshadows a lot of my perception of life and relationships I’ve had to this very day….plus I know I’ve blocked out a lot of it in my mind.

As a young child, I was uprooted more than I should have been and the most major one was when I was 8yrs old where my family moved from Hong Kong to the USA to finally reunite with my dad. Needless to say, it was the kind of shift that HAS to impact a person’s life, for the rest of their life.

Looking at my niece now, this delicate flower, I can’t imagine or ever wish for her or anyone to ever have to go through something as traumatic as I had gone through….to be lifted out of everything I’d ever known and people I loved, friends I had, my entire surrounding and the way I communicated was completely challenged….then basically dumped into a new environment that was vastly different without any knowledge of the language or be able to communicate with anyone around me in school, “it was hard” is putting it mildly.

My parents worked a lot and I basically knew at a young age that I HAD to fend for myself and pretty much be my own savior and comfort. I’m not going to get in depth about this time in my life here but I just realize that 10,000 days which is a little over 27 years is basically NOW from that age of 8. I’m 35yrs old currently and it’s ironic how that 10,000 number keeps on showing up, like it’s got a message for me to decode. Things seem to always come full circle and I look at the 9 month time span that really put me at the beginning of my journey this time around in March when I decided that it was time. Time for what? I do not know, it was just time…for some changes. 9 is also a significant number in my life and I see a lot of completions happening in the 9s which in numerology is about finales. I just find it quite poignant that it shows up just like that in many instances throughout my experiences in this lifetime.

First and foremost, the 10,000 days reference started as the title of my favorite band TOOL’s last album along with their song called 10,000 days that I feel I relate to very much….the line that makes the reference and copied off of http://toolshed.down.net/lyrics/10kdayslyrics.php …

“High is the way, but all eyes are upon the ground.
You were the light and the way they’ll only read about.
I only pray, Heaven knows when to lift you out.
Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough;
You’re going home.”

I love this song. I long to be home…to be at peace…to feel nothing else but my heart, my soul bursting with love and contentment. To know of nothing else and just BE.

…..I kind of lost myself there for a moment (30 minutes or so just sitting and feeling) imagining that feeling. Now I’m not sure what I want to say…guess this will be a multi-part post.

Time for some lunch! Will continue with part 2 later.